Unfortunately, my hips do lie.

My sister and I started taking a belly dancing class.

(and pause for laughter...)

Our first session was...interesting? No, frightening would be a better way to describe it. But at least my sister was there to look ridiculous with me as we both tried to move our upper bodies as though they were not attached to our legs. However, for the second session Jess "wasn't feeling well." (Whatever...cop out.) So I had to go by myself.

While doing my best to blend into the back of the class, I learned several new things:

1. Seeing myself trying to belly dance in a full-length dance mirror is a little too much Heather all at once.

2. It is much better to stand behind the girl who can dance just like Shakira than in front of her. Luckily, I was in this prime position for most of class. Then we had to switch lines, which meant I was in the very front of the class (see no. 1) and Shakira was now behind me and undoubtedly judging my every attempt at a hip shake.

3. Dancers are show-offs. As the class neared an end, the second-session students started to come in and began to join our class. The end of class proved to be a disaster for us first-session students as we tried to combine feet, hips and finger cymbals into one move. I think I looked like a belly dancer. Well, if by belly dancer you mean a drunk epileptic with concrete blocks for feet. Sexy. The teacher quickly noticed that we were spiraling out of control, stopped the music and said "Right now, the most important part is to remember your feet...just focus on your feet." That was the point when "Session Two" standing next to me felt she need to chime in and say in her wispy, ethereal voice, "But I thought the most important part was to feel the music."

Barf. You know what, Session Two?!? Is there even music on right now?!? Because I could give a crap what is on the radio since I am pretty much just focusing on not making a complete ass out of myself! Feel the music....give me a break.

4. Finally, one thing that is reiterated time and time again in yoga is that yoga is not a competitive sport. Yoga will never hurt you but your ego will, and when you are on your mat it does not matter what is going on around you because you can only do as much as your body will allow. It is not about skill, it is about listening to what your body is willing to give you that day.

Right. Um, that is all beautiful and everything but really, really does not apply to belly dancing. There are very clear and well-defined skill levels in belly dancing and it is pretty obvious that I am about as graceful as a donkey and my body movements are about as fluid as that of a 2x4.

God help me.