Itsy Bitsy?

I am not afraid of spiders. I just don't want them near me. They just give me a general skin crawling type of willies. I am ashamed to admit it, but I am a spider killer. Growing up, I remember my Dad going on "bug hunts" before bed. He would comb the perimeter of my bedroom where the wall meets the ceiling and take care of any creepy crawlers that would surely come eat me during my slumber.

When I became a preschool teacher, I had to change my killing ways as we taught "non-violence" in my classroom. When bugs (spiders unfortunately included) were found in the classroom, we told the kids that they must be lost and we need to gently take them back outside so they could find their homes again. So, I would scoop the little thing up in a cup and shake it out as far away from my body as my arm could possibly reach. Gross.

Well, my home is no classroom and the spiders should know better as far as I am concerned. Grant is now my protector when it comes to slaying spiders. Usually I exaggerate the size. I will come running down the hall from the bathroom to our bedroom and say, "Honey, there is a HUGE spider in the bathroom!" He will look at me with disbelief and say, "Are you sure it is 'HUGE?'" It is rarely any bigger than a dime.

Yesterday was the exception to the rule. This spider was, in fact, HUGE. I swear to you, as the self-admitting queen of exaggeration, I am not joking when I say this spider had the wing-span of a silver dollar. And its spider ass was the size of a large garbanzo bean. Not to mention its web was starting to block our front door. Something needed to be done.

"Honey, I swear to God, you need to kill that thing."

"No, we can't kill it."

"Why not? If we don't that thing is going to find a way into my bed."

"Honey, I feel bad. I mean, I don't know why I feel less bad killing tiny spiders that I find in the house and I can't kill this giant one."

"Exactly, the ones in the house might be babies...you could be killing a baby. Now just go do it!"

"Well, I mean, I feel like based on the size of that one, it is more advanced...like it has the ability to use tools."

(pause)

"Oh my God, it is on me...I swear I feel it on me"

"Ok, ok...I will kill it."

"Are you scared?"

"No."

"What are you going to do if it jumps at you?"

"I will effing freak out."