Wii would like to play.

I consider myself to be a fairly easy-going wife. My husband is in a rock band and I knew what I was getting into when I married him. The guitars. The amps. The pedals. The literally hundreds of CDs and all the other various noise-making thingies. I have never told him he couldn't purchase another piece of musical equipment. I consider it an expense and I am okay with that.

So then he tells me he wants to drop several hundred dollars on a Wii?? No way, I said. There are so many other things that he could buy with that money that goes to the band; a video game system is a waste. Hence began my plan to buy him the Christmas gift of the century.

It still took some convincing for sure. I never grew up with video games. My mother did not allow them in the house, not so much because of my sister and me but because I think she was afraid she would never see my father again. But more than that, I DIDN'T CARE. Video games were fun at other people's houses but I had way better things to do with my time like My Little Ponies, playing house and terrorizing my sister. In fact, I was never a big fan of arcades or cartoons even. Grant thinks I am abnormal and I say, excuse me if I preferred things that were REAL and you could actually TOUCH!

Also, I had no idea what getting a Wii around Christmas entailed. When I finally decided to get one, I walked into the game shop around the corner and said, "I'll take one Wii console, please!" The guy at the counter looked at me as though I had just asked him to ovulate and said, "Yeah, we don't have any of those but here's my card, call every day at noon when we get our shipments in. If we still have one when you call we'll hold it, but only for 15 minutes and then you are at the mercy of the crowds."

Okay? There was a lot more to this than I thought. I also tried Craigslist but this is what the posts would say:

"Wii console and games available. Bring no one and cash only to the location that will be delivered to you via carrier pigeon. You will meet a man wearing gray chinos and a "Members Only" jacket. He will be standing in front of the Chipotle. Upon arriving, he will take to you a secret elevator which you will ride to the center of the earth. There you will find a unicorn. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE UNICORN. It is only after the unicorn has left that you will receive you Wii console. Two nunchucks included."

Riiiiight. I am not about to get all "ninja style" up in here. I just want a freaking Wii. Long story short, I got one. It was an awesome Christmas. And guess what else? I LOVE IT!!! And I am now making up for all the years without one. Although, it has created one slight issue in the Shellen house: competition. At least I think this is an issue but Grant doesn't care. Why should he care? He beats me all the time! The reason, I think, is two-fold:

1. He plays more than I do.
2. He is a boy and was born with the "very-good-at-video-games" gene. It is the gene that is right next to the "inability-to-hear-your-wife-when-there-is-a-guitar-in-your-hand" gene and the "awesome-at-sound-effects" gene that girls simply were not born with.

The ONLY thing I can beat Grant at on the Wii is the boxing game in Wii Sports. I pulverize him every time. And his response to my consistent winning? "Okay, there is something wrong with my controller because I am doing EXACTLY what you are doing and my guy is NOT punching." Sure babe, that is the reason I am kicking your ass, not because I have mad skills.

Recently we acquired the coveted Wii Fit. It is intended to be an exercise program that comes with what looks like a small step aerobics step – a Wiimote for your feet, if you will. It has a variety of games that are aerobic, strength training, balance exercises and yoga. And you can play any of these games in the privacy of your own home after completing a simple "Body Test." Sure, not scary right? Well...

First, you enter your height, year of your birth and approximate weight of your clothes, a couple of randomly selected balance exercises are presented. After completing those, the Wii evaluates your posture and sense of balance and tells you what it thinks. Do you know what it asked me? "Heather, do you often find yourself tripping when you walk?" Nice.

Then, just like in every woman's worst nightmare, it calculates your BMI and your weight. But it doesn't just pop up on the screen with its answer. Nooooooo! In a cute little voice, it announces to the room that "You're overweight!" As if that were not punishment enough, your Mii character then GETS FATTER!!! After your Mii looks at the newly formed love handles, it then tells you your "Wii Fit age." Mine? 10 years older than my real age. "Wow Heather, your body is a lot weaker than it should be!" It was about this time that Grant had to ask me politely not to throw the new toy at the television.

And just like when we first acquired our Wii, Grant is killing at all the games and the body fit tests. You know what? So what if your weight is "normal" and and people like you are "less likely to develop heart conditions." And so what if your Wii Fit age is six years younger than your actual age? I brought this Wii into this world and so help me God, I can take it out of it.