The lesson to be learned? Always take the cookie.

I was a good kid. Seriously. I never had a detention, got suspended or a Saturday school or even a paper pick-up. (Paper pick-ups were a demeaning punishment in Junior High where you had to spend your lunch break picking up trash in a designated area of the school. I don't know what was worse, knowing that everyone knew you were bad, or touching the trash). So I made sure to never do anything that would warrant that kind of punishment. Teachers freaking loved me.



But in the second grade, no amount of explaining was going to get me out of this one.



Let me first preface this story with the following:



I DID NOT THROW THE COOKIE!



I swear on my family's life, I did not throw the cookie. The following is the God's honest truth.



My friend tried to give me her cookie in a plastic baggie (the baggie is a key part of the story later.) I did not want the cookie. Why? I have no idea. In retrospect I should have just taken the damn thing. I gave the baggie back to her and said, "I don't want it." She gave it back to me, "yes you do!"



"No I don't!"



"Yes you do!"



You see where this is going? So now it had turned into a game, back and forth, back and forth. Finally, I snapped the baggie back at her and said, "I don't want it!!" It was not a hard snap. I don't think I would even say I "threw" the cookie from my lunch box to hers. Now, I don't know if it was the fling of my wrist or the force of the cookie hitting the side of her lunch box that sent the cookie flying 3 tables behind me to then land in someone's mashed potatoes.



I was completely dumbfounded. I was now holding an empty plastic bag. It was then that the evil lunch lady came barreling down the isle and told me to get my things because I was going to the office. I tried to explain, "But I didn't throw the cookie! I don't know what happened."



"Oh yes you did! I saw you!!"



Liar!!! What could she have seen?? I didn't do it! I was crying and trying to explain myself but she would not hear any of it. I remember saying that I was really sorry but I did not throw it! The office was shocked to see me in there. She told me that I would need to eat my lunch in the office for one week. This was a new thing the principal (who was also a terror) was trying to cut down on food fights during lunch. I asked to see my mom, who was a yard duty a couple times a week at my school.



"I'm can't get your mom!" she yelled at me.



When I told her that my mom was the yard duty she said, "Your mom is Allison Andersen? I am so ashamed of you."



Bitch.



My mom came and I told her what happened. She was not happy at all about what lunch lady said to me. My mom believed me that I did not throw the cookie and said that the reality was that some people, this lady included, are just mean and like to exert there power over the weak. But, the reality was, I was probably just going to have to eat lunch in the office.



But my mom got her revenge. Every single kid that she saw through anything thing from an entire roast chicken to a cheeto was sent to the office. I think she took about 25 kids into the office the next day for the food throwing offense.



My mom rocks.

Put down the Laffy Taffy, man!!!

My teeth suck.

But I don't get it. I think I take pretty good care of them; I brush twice a day and floss, I think more than the average person. Despite all my love and care, it seems that my teeth are still made of chalk or something. My most recent adventure (which is not over yet) is that I am getting a crown. Yay! So basically what the dentist does is grinds your tooth down to nothing but a stump, glues a temporary crown in and then you have to wait about two weeks for the permanent tooth to come in.

What was great about my procedure was that the Novocaine was not really working. Even after four shots of the juice there were still parts of the tooth that, when she buzzed over it with one of her torture tools, felt like she was shooting electricity into my jaw. Since most of my face was numb at this point I just wanted it to be over and so I took a death grip on the chair and said "Finish. Just finish NOW!" But, what I wanted to say was "Jesus Christ, just punch me in the face! Please for the love of God. PUNCH ME IN THE FACE!!!!" A punch would have done one of two things: Knocked me out completely or caused permanent brain damage that would make me forget this hellish day ever happened.

When she was done trying to kill me, I needed a moment. I went into the bathroom and looked at the tooth that once was. Thankfully it is all the way in the back. But as I looked at this disgusting little nub, all I could think was, "Well, I guess that is done." That's it. Done deal. It is never coming back. And with my track record, I have a feeling I will end up with a mouth full of nubs someday.

The first temporary crown she tried to make didn't come out right so she scraped the idea of trying to make one and I gots myself a little bling baby! She capped the nub with a metal tooth. Hot. But whatever, it is only for two weeks. I waited well over an hour for the tooth to set and around 8:30 pm, at least two hours after the tooth was placed on me, I ate some dinner. I thought leftover pasta was a safe bet. About four bites in to my meal, that little thing popped right off. So now I have a mouth full of hot food and a live tooth without the protection of m newly acquired "grill." How does it feel? Go chew on some foil for a while or stick your tongue on a 9V battery. Kinda like that.

I go back in the next day and she fits me with a better temporary made from a mold of my actual tooth so "this one will be better." I see the irony in it now but it was 3 days later, while eating a bowl of "Cracklin' Oat Bran" cereal for breakfast, my "better fitting" tooth was now floating around in my mouth, AGAIN. This time, the dentist said to me, "You know, I have never had a patient come back more than once to fix a temporary crown."

Well, lucky freaking me.

So the moral of this story, take good care of your teeth. After the second reattachment, the tooth is still holding. But, I have no doubt in my mind that I will be back in the chair before my permanent tooth comes in. But if my teeth continue down this path of destruction, I am just going to have to find someone who does sedation dentistry. Either that or self medicate before appointments with a healthy combination of Valium and vodka.